I Lost My Unborn Baby/How Family and Friends Can Help

Sometimes it is hard to know just what to say or do when a family  member or friend suffers a miscarriage.  People react differently to such a loss, so there is no single formula for offering comfort and help. Consider, however, the following suggestions.  

Practical things you can do to help:  

* Offer to look after older children.
* Prepare a meal and bring it to the family.
* Be there for the father too. As one father said, "they don't make cards for dads in this situation."

Helpful things to say:  

* "I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage."

These simple words mean a lot, and they can open the door for further comforting words.

*It's OK to cry."

Tears are often near the surface in the first weeks or even months after a miscarriage. Assure the person that you do not think any less of her for showing her emotions.  

* "May I call you again next week to see how you're doing?

Initially, sufferers may receive a lot of sympathy, but as time goes by and they are still in pain, they may feel that others have forgotten them.  It is nice for them to know that your support is ongoing.  Feelings can surface for weeks or months. They may even well up after a successful pregnancy. 

* I don't really know what to say." 

Saying that is often better than saying nothing. Both your honesty and the fact that you are there reflect your concern.  

What not to say: 

* "You can always have another baby." 

While this may be true, it may be perceived as reflecting a lack of empathy.  The parents did not want just any baby, they wanted that baby.  Before they can think about having another one, they likely need to grieve for the baby they lost.  

* There was probably something wrong with it."

Although this may be so, it's not very comforting. In the mother's mind, she was carrying a healthy baby. 

* At least you didn't really know the baby.  It would have been much worse if It had occurred later." 

Most women bond with their unborn babies very early on.  So when such a baby dies, grief usually follows.  This grief is enhanced by  the fact that no one else "knew" the baby as the mother did. 

* "At least you have your other children."

To the grieving parents, this may be the equivalent of saying to someone who has lost a limb:  "At least you have your other one." 

Of course, it must be acknowledged that even the most caring and sincere people occasionally say the wrong thing.  (James 3:2) Hence, discerning women who have suffered a miscarriage would want to show Christian love and not harbor ill feelings toward those who make well-meaning but clumsy remarks.  -Colossians 3:13. 

Next time: When Simple Is Not So Simple

From the Awake! magazine