HELP FOR THE FAMILY/MARRIAGE - How to Forgive

THE CHALLENGE

When you and your spouse argue, you often bring up the past, rehashing a list of old grievances that should have been settled long ago.  The problem?  One or both of you may not know how to forgive.

You can learn.  First, though, consider why a husband and wife may find it difficult to forgive each other.

WHY IT HAPPENS

Power.  Some husband and wives withhold forgiveness to maintain a sort of power over their spouse.  Then, when a conflict arises, they use a past event as a trump card to gain the upper hand.

Resentment.   The scares of a past offense cant take a long time to heal.  A spouse might say 'I forgive you' but still harbor resentment for what happened-perhaps craving to get even. 

Disappointment.  Some people enter marriage fully believing that life will be like a fairy-tale romance.  So when a disagreement arises, they did in their heels, wondering just how their "perfect match" could possibly see things from a different point of view. Unrealistic expectations can make a person more prone to find fault and inclined to forgive. 

Misunderstanding. Many spouses withhold forgiveness because they misunderstand what extending it will be.  For example: 
If I forgive, I am minimizing the wrong. 

If I forgive, I have to forget what happened.

If I forgive, I am inviting further mistreatment

Really, forgiving does not imply any of the foregoing. Still, extending forgiveness can be difficult especially in the close relationship between husband and wife. 

Next time: HELP FOR THE FAMILY/MARRIAGE -How to Forgive

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