UNIQUE CHALLENGES OF STEP FAMILIES

Challenge 4: DISCIPLINE OF CHILDREN

"When I try to discipline Carmen's children, she consoles them instead of supporting me." -Pablo.

"I feel cut to the heart when Pablo treats my children harshly." -Carmen.

WHY might childbearing cause conflict in a step family? Discipline may have become lax in a single-parent family.  When a step parent joins the family, the emotional attachment to the children may not be fully formed.  The result? The step parent may think the parent is too soft on the children,, while the biological parent thinks the step parent is too hard on them.

The Bible recommends balance in rearing children:  "Do not be irritating your children, but go on bringing them up in the discipline and mental regulating of Jehovah  [God]."  (Ephesians 6:4) The focus here is on training your child's thinking rather than on merely controlling his behavior. At the same time, parents are encouraged to be kind and loving so that their disciple does not become a source of irritation.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

*Establish house rules, starting with those you  already have.  Consider the benefit of such rules in he following scenario:

  Step mother: Jennifer, the house rule is no texting until your homework is finished.

   Jennifer: You're not my mother.

   Step mother: That's right Jen, but I am the parent in charge tonight, and the rule is not texting until your homework is finished.

* Avoid creating many rules or changing routines too quickly.  What seems like a simple request to a step parent can be  burden to a child who feels that his entire world has already been turned upside down.  Of course, some new rules may be essential, such as a household privacy policy and a dress code, especially if here are older children in the step family.

* Discuss disagreements in private, not in front of the children.  Focus on the child's  specific behavior rather than on some suppose law flaw in earlier training.

STEP FAMILY SUCCESS PROFILES- NO LONGER JUST HOUSEMATES

Philip's 20 year old daughter, Elise, was living at home and had taken on many household duties. After Philip married Louise, could step mother and step daughter build a good relationship?


Louise:  We had a very hard time at first.  I am quite a homebody and wanted to ensure that I was the housewife.

Elise:  Louise reorganized the house and threw out a lot of our stuff.  I tidied up once but put some things in the wrong place, since i didn't know where they went anymore.  This upset Louise, she ad I said some angry words, and I couldn't speak to her for a week.

Louise:  At one point, I told Elise,  "I don't know where we go from here, but I can't live in this atmosphere."  She came to me later that evening and apologized.  I gave her a hug, and we both cried.

Elise:  Louise left some pictures of mine hanging on the wall, and Dad did not remove the lights that I put in the living room.  It may sound petty, but their leaving these things really helped me to feel that my home has not completely disappeared.  I am also grateful for the way Louise looks after my little brother when he's with us.  It's been two years now, and I am starting to think of her as a real member of the family.

Louise:  I feel that rather than being just housemates, Elise and I are now also good friends.

Next time:  STEP FAMILY SUCCESS PROFILES-UNITY IS MORE IMPORTANT

The Watchtower, 2012