THE UNIQUE CHALLENGES OF STEP FAMILY

Challenge 3: HOW TO BRING "OUTSIDERS" IN

The fear of being an outsider in your own family can be at the root of seemingly unrelated problems.  For example:

* Children who got along fine with a prospective stepparent before the marriage tend to struggle afterward.

*  A stepparent feels jealous of a six-year-old child.

* Big  arguments erupt about apparently trivial household matters.

This issue affect biological parents too, since they can feel pressured if the step family appears to be coming apart at the seams. As Carmen put it, "Being stuck in the middle between my husband and  my two children is very hard."

The Golden Rule provides the key to meeting this challenge. Jesus said: "All things, therefore, that you want men to do to you, you also must likewise do to them."  (Matthew 7:12) How can step families  bring everyone inside without pushing any one out? 

WHAT YOU CAN DO

*Put your marriage first.   (Genesis 2:24) Spend time with your new spouse, and make his or her status in the family clear to your children.  For instance, fathers could say something like this to their children even before they remarry:  "I love Anna, and she will be my wife. I know you will be polite to her."

*Schedule time alone with each of your children. Setting aside a specific time shows how important they are to you and will reassure them of your love.

*Spend time alone with each stepchild so you can build your relationship without the parent serving as a referee.

*Allow children to "join" the family without renouncing their previous family.  It usually best not to require step children to use terms of endearment such as "Mom" or "Dad." Older children may at first be uncomfortable using words like "family" or "We" for the step family.

Give each child household chores, a seat at the table, and a space of their own in the home.  This includes those who stay with you only part-time.

Consider either moving into a new residence or adjusting the existing home, so that new members do not feel like intruders.

Next time: Challenge 4: DISCIPLINE OF CHILDREN

The Watchtower, 2012