THE SECRETS OF SUCCESSFUL STEP-FAMILIES/THE UNIQUE CHALLENGES OF STEP-FAMILIES

CHALLENGE 3:  HOW TO BRING "OUTSIDERS" IN

THE fear of being an outsider in your own family can be at the root of seemingly unrelated problems. For example:  

*Children who got along fine with a prospective stepparent before the marriage tend to struggle afterward.  

*A stepparent feels jealous of a six-year-old child.

* Big arguments erupt about apparently trivial household matters. 

This issue affects biological parents too, since they can feel pressured if the step-family appears to be coming apart at the seams.  As Carmen put it, "Being stuck in the middle between my husband and my two children is very hard."

The Golden Rule provides the key to meeting this challenge. Jesus said: "All things, therefore, that you want men to do to you, you must likewise do to them." ( Matthew 7:12) (in other words, if you want to be treated nice and with respect, then you should treat others the same)  How can step-families bring everyone inside without pushing anyone out? 

WHAT YOU CAN DO

*Put your marriage first. (Genesis 2:24) Spend time with your new spouse, and make is or her status in the family clear to your children. For instance, fathers could say something like this to their children even before they remarry:  "I love Anna, and she will be my wife. I know you will be polite to her." 

*Schedule time alone with each of your children. Setting aside a specific time shows how important they are to you and will reassure them of your love. 

*Spend time alone with  each stepchild so you can build your relationship without the parent serving as a referee.  

*Allow children to "join" the family without renouncing their previous family.  It is usually best not to require stepchildren to use  terms of endearment such as "Mom" or "Dad."  Older children may at first be uncomfortable using words like "family" or "we" for the step-family.

*Give each child household chores, a seat at the table, and a space of their own in the home.  This includes those who stay with you only part-time. 

*Consider either moving into a new residence or adjusting the existing home, so that new members do not feel like intruders. 

Next time: Conclusion of THE SECRETS OF SUCCESSFUL STEP-FAMILIES/THE UNIQUE CHALLENGES OF STEP-FAMILIES

From the AWAKE!  magazine, 2012