HELP FOR THE FAMILY/MARRIAGE - How to Be a Good Listener

THE CHALLENGE 

"You're not listening tome!" your spouse says.  'But I was,' you tell yourself. Evidently, though, what you heard is different from what your spouse said. As a  result, another argument erupts. 

You can avoid these conflicts. First, though, you need to understand why you might miss important details in what your spouse is saying-even though you think that you are listening.

WHY IT HAPPENS

You are distracted, tired, or both.   The kids are yelling, the television is blaring, and you are thinking about a problem you had at work.  Now your spouse starts talking to you-something about expecting visitors tonight. You nod "OK," but did you really hear what was said?  Likely not.

You make assumptions.  This has been called  a damaging form of "mind reading."  You assume that there is a hidden message behind your spouse's words, when in fact you may be reading too much into the situation. For example, suppose your spouse says:  "You've spent a lot of time at work this week."  Interpreting this as criticism, you say: It's not my fault!  I have to work extra hours because you are running up our bills."  "I wasn't blaming you!" shouts your mate-whose original intention was merely to suggest a relaxing weekend together. 

You look for solutions prematurely.  "Sometimes I just want to express how I feel," says Marcie,  "but Mike wants to tell me how to fix it.  I don't want to fix it. I just want him to know how I'm feeling."  The problem?  Mike's mind is racing to find a solution.  As a result, he will probably miss some or all of what Marcie is saying. 

Whatever the cause of the problem, how can you become a better listener?  

Next time: HELP FOR THE FAMILY/MARRIAGE -How to Be a Good Listener -WHAT YOU CAN DO

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