How I Changed My Violent Ways

WHAT makes a man turn to violence? I learned a lot about violence by being exposed to it as a child.  My father was a member of the Spanish civil guard, a regiment that meted out strict discipline. His own father had whipped him often, and my father followed the family tradition. He regularly used his thick belt to give me a thrashing. Making matters worse, he would repeatedly call me stupid, while he doted on my younger sister.  My mother, who feared the wrath of my father, did little to alleviate my frustration at this unfair treatment or to give me the affection I needed. 

While I was at school with other children, I would create my own world of make-believe, where my life seemed much happier. And to onlookers, I probably appeared to be a cheerful optimistic child.  But it was all superficial.  I just covered up my feelings of fear and anger. Reality  returned at the end of each day as I slowly walked home, dreading yet more insults-or another beating.  

At the age of 13, I escaped from this loveless environment by enrolling in Jesuit boarding school. For a time, I considered becoming a priest.  But life in the school did little to give my life meaning.  We had to rise at five o'clock in the morning for a cold shower.  Then our entire day was spent in a rigid program of study, prayers, and church services, with only brief rest periods. 

Although we students had to read the stories of the "saints," the Bible was not a part of our studies.  The only available Bible was kept in a glass  case, and we had to get special permission to read it. 

During my third year at the boarding school, sessions of self-flagellation-"spiritual exercises" -became a part of the stern routine. I tried gulping down large amounts of food to make myself sick so that I could escape this ordeal.  But this proved unsuccessful. After nearly three years, I could stand no more. I fled the Jesuit school and made my way home. I was 16 years old. 

Next time: How I Changed My Violent Ways - In Search of Adventure

From the AWAKE! magazine, 2011